Should I continue dating someone? Use the Relationship Decision Matrix to decide
Dating apps have irrevocably changed the way we date today, but it has not made dating any easier. So how do you know if you should continue dating someone? The Relationship Decision Matrix can help you decide what to do.
(PS. For simplicity’s sake, the Relationship Decision Matrix visualises a heterosexual relationship. However, it is not limited to heterosexuals, but to all kinds of romantic relationships.)
What is the Relationship Decision Matrix?
In the Relationship Decision Matrix, there are 5 key relationship “states”:
Every relationship starts off as Strangers, where both parties do not know each other. However, once the relationship advances beyond Strangers, you move between the other relationship states based on 2 criterions:
- How much you care for each other and are willing to compromise and support the other person.
- How attracted you are to the other person (i.e. being attracted to how they look or the way they think or behave) and want to spend time together.
- Friend: You care for the other person, but you are not attracted to the other person.
- Lover: You are attracted to the other person; you spend time together with the other person, but you care for yourself more than him/her.
- Partner: This is the ideal relationship state, where you care for the other person, are attracted to him/her, and want to spend time together.
- Family: At this point, you’ve spent lots of time together. You know the other person so well, you care for him/her like family. You may become so used to him/her that you forgot how it was like being attracted to him/her.
How do you use the Relationship Decision Matrix to decide if a relationship will last?
Let’s look at how the Relationship Decision Matrix works in a world with and without dating apps.
The typical relationship pathway
Following a typical relationship path without dating apps, you meet and know people in natural circumstances (such as in school or at work), where you tend not to expect anything romantic when interacting with a person.
Because of how neutral the circumstances of meeting a person is, the transitional period from Friend to Lover tends to be the most uncertain and emotionally tense.
However, once both parties establish mutual attraction, they may move towards becoming Partners and eventually, become Family.
The dating app relationship pathway
Relationships formed by dating apps are markedly different. Strangers meet in unnatural circumstances, where there is a romantic expectation when interacting with a person.
Because of how unambiguous the expectation is, the most tense and uncertain period happens while dating, between Lover, Friend and Partner relationship states. This is because both parties are trying to decide if the other person is suitable to be a long-term Partner.
Most of the time, dates do not end up becoming a Partner. This makes dating with dating apps an even more frustrating experience. The highs from meeting potential partners and lows from letting go of unsuitable partners bring emotional tension. This is especially aggravated since dating apps give the illusion of choice and good judgement.
Similarly, once both parties establish their friendship beyond Lovers, they move towards becoming Partners and eventually, too, become Family.
What are the most important ingredients?
No matter the relationship path, both pathways are grounded by a foundation established by Friendship, where both parties have:
- Aligned Core Values: Both parties have a similar outlook and attitudes about life, which may include religious perspectives.
- Mutual Respect: Both parties recognise each others’ strengths and value that they each contribute.
- Common interests: Both parties have hobbies or activities that they both enjoy, e.g. watching movies, reading non-fiction books.
- Complementary personalities: Personality traits of both parties enhance the qualities of each other.
Especially when dating using online apps, it’s important to establish this foundation first.
For a relationship to work, both parties must be aligned on their current and future relationship state
Once this friendship is established, you and your date will progress on the relationship pathway. However, your rates of progress may differ.
If you’re not aligned on the relationship state, your long-term relationship pathway will not progress smoothly. For example, you may see the other person as a Partner, while s/he only sees you are a Friend. Or, you may see the other person as a Lover and potential Partner, however, s/he does not want to progress beyond being Lovers.
How do you decide if a relationship will last?
- Ask yourself honestly: Where do you think you both are, according to the Relationship Decision Matrix? Be realistic (based on facts), not idealistic (based on expectations).
- Now ask yourself: Where do you think you both want to be? Similarly, be honest and realistic based on facts.
- If you realise that both of you are not aligned, communicate to align. PS, open communication is crucial in a good relationship.
- Then, decide what you need to do. For example, if s/he only sees you as a Friend, not as a potential Partner, let go and move on!
Conclusion
The Relationship Decision Matrix hopes to provide clarity for people navigating the confusing world of dating and relationships.
Do comment to let me know if it helps, and if you’re keen to learn more!
