3 Rules to agree with your partner to build trust
When cheating happens, trust is broken, and the relationship will never be the same.
Here are some rules you can discuss and agree with your partner, to set a strong foundation and prevent cheating in the first place.
Rule #1. “We will commit to 100% not putting ourselves in risky situations.”
Having seen high-achieving — and intelligent— peers and leaders fall from grace after making a mistake, world-renowned innovation expert Clayton M. Christensen advised in his inspirational book, How to Measure Your Life, that “It is easier to live up to something 100% of the time than it is to do it 98% of the time.”
Life is an unending stream of “grey” circumstances with choices that seem small, but eventually lead to irreversibly huge consequences.
Even if nothing bad happens when you do something wrong “just this once” and then tell yourself that you’ll never do it again, such a mindset will pull you in. Crossing the line that one time will lead to another gamble in future. You would have done it over and over — and not realised the road you are on, until one day you look up and realise that you’ve arrived at a destination you would have once considered impossible.
Therefore, it’s easier to hold to your principles 100% of the time than to hold to them 98% of the time. If you give in to “just this once”, you’ll regret where you end up.
How to respect Rule #1 as a couple:
(1) Identify risky situations that have the potential to lead to misunderstandings or mistakes. e.g. Alcohol greases the social wheel. But too much of it may lead to unintentional consequences.
(2) Define what the acceptable/unacceptable boundaries look like. e.g. Unacceptable: Drinking to the point of blacking out. Acceptable: Understanding that your limit is less than 5 glasses of wine.
(3) Commit to not putting yourselves in situations. e.g. Unless your partner is there to care for you, you can drink up to 5 glasses of wine. Otherwise, always stop at 3, and leave if you have to.
Rule #2. “We will turn to each other first when we need support–or want to celebrate–and make time to do this mindfully.”
Instead of turning to someone else when you’re going through the ups and downs of life, turn to your partner. You should seek to be best friends, where you are able to listen and support each other.
But take note, it takes two hands to clap. Such a commitment to be there for each other requires effort by both parties — effort of the mind and time.
Dedicate Time in your Schedule for one another.
Make focus time for dates — no matter how busy you both are.
Dates do not have to be complicated. They can be 10 minute walks in the park, or meals without the distraction of TV.
Be Mindfully Present and Kind when together.
When spending time together, see your partner as you would see a child.
Help your partner be aware of what s/he is and can be; so that s/he may actualise his/her potential.
This means you should balance between asking, listening and sharing.
Ask open-ended questions.
Try to ask questions that draw out more than a one-word reply, such as:
- Tell me about the best part of your day.
- What was the hardest thing you had to do today?
- Did anything funny/interesting happened?
- What did you learn today?
Listen to understand, not to respond nor to judge.
- Do give your partner the opportunity to speak.
- Don’t interrupt or finish their sentences. Give them space to fully express how they feel or what they think.
- Do respect and accept what your partner us saying — even if their view may contradict your values and beliefs.
- Do imagine yourself in their shoes, so that you can truly empathise and feel what they are feeling.
- Don’t tell your partner what to do or what not to do; don’t tell them about your experiences, as this can downplay and overshadow theirs. When your partner is sharing, the spotlight is on them, not you.
- Do acknowledge by specifying with actual examples, how s/he has accomplished goals or overcome past challenges and become better.
But first, make sure you’re both in the right state of mind.
Before such conversations happen, both of you should be in the right state of mind. If you’re not, ask for time to reset.
Why?
Time together should be time to reconnect. It’s not a time for either of you to rant and dump your pain and insecurities. Your partner is not your trash bin.
Your partner is not there to heal you, and you are not there to heal them. Both of you can create the conditions to heal, but no one else can heal you for you.
Seek to create safe conditions where you can both be genuinely open and honest, to feel genuinely valued, respected and listened to.
If you need help, please seek help from a professional therapist.
Rule #3. “I trust you completely, to be faithful.“
Doubt or mistrust will force the two of you apart. Therefore, have complete faith in your partner; that s/he will honour and respect you.
“If you trust, you will be disappointed occasionally. But if you mistrust, you will be miserable all the time.”
— Abraham Lincoln
Being in a relationship is a choice made by you and your partner. You are not obliged to each other; you do not belong to each other; you choose to be with each other.
How? Follow this wisdom as a guidance on trust-based love:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
If it happens, trust that you will heal.
To grow lotus flowers, you need mud. You cannot have happiness without the risk of pain, suffering, worry or despair.
Pain and heartbreak is unavoidable in life. It will happen over and over again, in many forms.
But each time, you will learn new lessons, and these lessons will help you make better choices in how you love and be loved.
If you’re going through a heartbreak, check out my article, Just broke up? Here’s how to love again to find out how you can heal.
